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 Hi All, I apologize for not writing for a while. I was in turmoil for a period of time. The following is a collection of writings that were posted to my Facebook page. Enjoy

It has been said that about two years prior to an illness, a person would have experienced a traumatic event. Perhaps multiple rejections, abandonment, mistrust, death, lots of pressure and stress. The list is quite long. This is true in my life. I've asked other ladies with different illnesses. It was true for them, too. The question is how come? Why would two people experience the same situation, one would get sick and the other not? Environmental factors are the same. We can blame the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat, the toxins we apply on our skin, the currents from our mobile devices, etc ... Is that only a diversion?

The real reason is within us. How we handle stress and cope with disappointment is key. Do we internalize it or reconcile it daily? Stress is everywhere. Disappointing circumstances are everywhere. This is life. We've been forewarned.

I heard Dr Caroline Leaf say once that negative thoughts or emotions turn the branches in the tree in our brain black. Every thought has a branch. If there are many negative ones, the whole tree will turn black. This affects our physical health. But the brain can heal itself. It needs positive thoughts and emotions; many of them to counter the damage done.

This is where faith comes in. When I focus on God, I am not focusing on the negative. I'm opening myself to him and his healing. The brain gets the signal, changes the branches back to green, then sends signals to the body with healing. Faith revives the soul. The source of faith is important. I can do so much on my own. There is an end to my efforts. After all, I am only human.

When I was first diagnosed in April 2014, I was in a very bad emotional shape. I asked God a lot of questions. Normally, he doesn't answer when he knows I am not ready to listen. He calms my soul first. Then he answers. He never answered why. But day by day, he revealed the numerous reasons. He asked me a question that took me a long time to answer. His question? "Do you want to live?" He also instructed me on what he wanted me to do. Very simple things; any baby can do. Praise him, be thankful, spend time with him. He also revealed in my spirit that my healing isn't a one time deal. But it will be a series of small miracles. Because others will need to hear what I experienced. Another person confirmed what I sensed in my spirit. He is in control of the whole situation and proved it over and over again. Glory be to him alone.

One of the first things God did for me back in April 2014 was arrange everything according to his will. He chose the doctors, nurses, hospital, specialists, dates, and times. Everything in that aspect went smoothly. He made it easier for me. Yes, there was a lot of other kinds of pain, but there was also a lot of grace. God wants to make our lives easier by providing everything we need. And sometimes what we want. As long as we submit to him and to his will, we are protected even when life is hard.

Biological father died due to taking a wrong medication given to him by an Indian doctor. I was 12 years old. So I hated all doctors and especially Indian ones. I know now that life and death are in the hands of God alone. Even if a mistake takes place, God is able to sustain life if that was his will. Fast forward to April 2014. The oncologist surgeon who plays a huge role in my treatment is American born, Indian descent. Because everything was happening so fast, I didn't have time or room for my discrimination. So it was laid aside. At one point, I pondered the irony of the situation and noticed that my discrimination was gone. God healed me of something I didn't know was wrong. He made me confront this fear without realizing that it was a fear. You see, our Heavenly Father doesn't want us to have any issues in our hearts. He wants to look at us and see himself. With the issues, his image is distorted. And our perspective of life is distorted. So he won't leave us until everything is in line with his will. And his will is perfect and pleasing to each and every one of us.

In my journey of cancer, I learned many things. It isn't the physical pain and suffering that is the problem. It is my reactions to them. My soul needed healing before my body did. I had a lot of fears, discriminations, resentments, unforgiveness, and the list goes on. God wanted me whole. His will is for me to be more like Jesus. Every time I prayed for healing without specifying a certain condition, he was healing my soul. He healed my spirit. He removes the negative emotions and thoughts and replaces them with his love, joy and peace. The detrimental aspects of unspoken emotions and thoughts is that they are revealed by our actions. I used to think that God didn't love me due to my circumstances. I didn't share that with anyone, but my behavior and cynicism revealed this attitude. I wasn't just poisoning myself, I was poisoning those around me. God had to interfere. It seems that our priorities are completely opposed to his. I wanted healing from cancer. He wants to heal my spirit and soul and of those around me. He gives me what I need before what I want. God is love. He has been revealing that to me in many different ways especially through his bride, his church, his body of believers. Thank you, Lord.

"It is a matter of perspective," has become my favorite phrase.

All of us make daily choices. We choose what to wear, what to eat, where to go, what to do. Did you ever stop to listen to your thoughts and emotions? If you haven't, I encourage you to do that. If you have, don't they come at you like a bull? This was an interesting journey for me. My past was speaking. My present was speaking. All the voices in my head were talking. My emotions were in constant turmoil as a result. When I couldn't take it anymore, I screamed, "Stop!" And guess what happened? Everything froze. My words had power. As it turns out, they have more power than I gave them credit for. And your words have power, too. How will you use them?

God led me to start analyzing my thoughts; source, effects, and outcome. That was an eye opener! Some thoughts were traced back to childhood. Some to yesterday. There was a lot of trash that I needed to dump. With the guidance and assistance of the Holy Spirit, many were dumped. The same process took place for the emotions. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go. One thing that made a huge difference is learning that when I dwell on a thought, I am actually opening myself to the source. I am vulnerable to the source. There are basically three sources for any thought and emotion: God, satan, self. If I think about food, I am opening myself to the desires of the body and will probably become hungry. If I think about hate, I am opening myself to satan and will feel hateful and sad. If a hateful thought pops in my head, I can reject it. I choose to reject it. If I think about love, joy, peace, patience; I am opening myself to God and feel happy, peaceful, loved depending upon the thought. I have the free will to choose the thoughts. That was a great motivator for me.

Never underestimate the power of prayer; yours and everyone else's; no matter how eloquent or simple. It is recorded in the heavenly books. Every tear, every heartfelt plea, every groan is recorded and will be answered in his time which is usually the perfect time.

Three times I had certain pains in my stomach. Two different times, it was in the same spot. It wouldn't go away. Two different people prayed and it immediately went away. I have a prayer partner who has been by my side since day 1 of this ordeal. I won't mention her name just in case she'd feel uncomfortable. She knows who she is. That is her ministry and perhaps her hobby. Her prayers and friendship contributed in who I am today. I am much obliged to her. And I thank God daily for her. As I do for everyone who prays. One time, I had bad stomach aches that breathing was difficult. It was on a day she called. She prayed for me. During the prayer, the pain immediately left. Thank God that he is above every pain no matter how big or small. Then again, he is the one who created this body of others. He is the master engineer. So why wouldn't he be able to fix it?

At a certain time, I sensed in my spirit that God was telling me to focus on him. I didn't know how. Attempting to envision him, I'd fall asleep. This happened many times. But I continued to practice. One time, I had stomach pains while practicing. My hand was on my stomach. After a little while, I realized the pain was gone.

Few months later, I read an article that stated science have discovered that when a person is in pain and focuses on a positive thing, the brain sends healing to the area of pain. So we can heal ourselves or cause detriment to ourselves by what we focus on. God created us wonderfully. He gave us keys in ourselves. Glory and honor to him alone.

I need to be open to God to receive what he has in mind for me. I need to let go of pain, pride, success, failures, people, and everything I am holding tightly in my heart if I want to see God's best in my life. He cannot give me life when I am holding on to death. He cannot give me love when I am holding on to hate. He cannot give me forgiveness when I hold on to bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. He cannot give me healing when I am holding on to illness. He wants to work in a clean, purified vessel. Not cleaned by my own effort, but by his blood that was shed more than 2000 years ago.

I was reminded of the following experience. I lived in Egypt 9 years before migrating to the United States with family. Going to school back then was a challenge. It was hard getting there on time. My brother who is three years older had the responsibility of dropping me off at school for a time. We'd both be late. He convinced me to go to a Catholic Church on the way to light a candle and say a little prayer. Nothing major happened. Time did not stand still. I was early and he made it on time. Now how did that happen? I was baffled. I became addicted to doing that daily. Another time we were rushed and I suggested we stop by the church. It happened again and again. God rewards everyone who puts him first; even the smallest action and faith.

At one point in time, I had negative feelings. Reason? Prayed healing for two people and they both went home to be with the Lord. I felt failure, sadness, and disappointment. Shouldn't people be healed when we pray? There were more than two people agreeing and we prayed in the name of Jesus! That should be enough. No, it isn't. There is something called the will of God. There is this other thing called purpose. If a person finishes his or her work on this earth, it is time to go home. What about the ones left behind? God is more than able to supply all of their needs. If no other human being does, he will personally do it. He is the father to the orphan. I can testify to that! He is a counselor, a comforter, a teacher, a provider, a savior, a healer, a father. Another thing most of us forget is: this world is temporal. All of us will leave here to live in eternity one of these days. Will I be ready? Will you?

Jesus Christ left his glory to wear a garment of dust. He walked around like any one of us. He felt the limitations and challenges of the human body. He suffered the day to day living. But he had a purpose. He didn't come to spend a few days and go back home. He came to die. He came to suffer. He came to be humiliated. He came to be pierced, afflicted, wounded, bruised, chastised, stricken. He bore our griefs, carried our sorrows. He was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities, chastised for our peace, striped for our healing. Yet, he did not complain. Because he loves us. Because he had to fulfill the law. Isn't that a lavish love that cost him everything? Nothing done in the name of love will ever go to waste. Every knee will bow in heaven, on earth, and under the earth at the name of Jesus Christ. ~ Philippians 2:10 changes mine. The rest was mostly from Isaiah chapter 53.

For everyone who is praying or been praying or prayed for any reason, never give up! I know that God listens to every prayer and answers at the most perfect time. I also know that he always rewards actions motivated by love. He always rewards the ones who pray. So keep praying for everyone and everything in your life. Never give up. Never lose hope. Because you may be praying for something that has a foundation as strong as a mountain. One prayer may not be enough. It takes a lot of hammering to get rid of that foundation. It will be done according to his will. If you have a promise or word from God, hang on to that and remind him continuously of it. You won't regret it.